GLBT- Straight - Relationships

[ParaLLL]

Sounds very much like asexuality to me; here's AVEN's FAQ on it, if you want to read. As to recognized, sort of; some people recognize it, some people ignore it because they don't know what it is or how to deal with it, and some people laugh and tell me to let them know when I'm out of denial. The last group I generally don't bother to continue speaking to.

[Niverdia]

Is asexuality a recognises sexuality, and how do you tell that you are one?

I find men attractive, but the idea of sex is disgusting to me; I admire women in the same way that you might admire a statue or a painting. No desire in that. The men I tend to be attracted to are either not real- yeah, I crush on men from books and manga- or not people I know. Men I pass in the street, in other words. But I don't find any of the men I know attractive enough to date or sleep with. Again, I find the idea of having his thingy in my body makes me feel physically sick. Even kissing is a no-no. The root of this may be in my Asperger's and my hate of physically contact. Am I asexual or just a bit strange?

Aspie's are often iffy when it comes to touching, I know I am. I only enjoy hugging certain people and only when I've built a certain type of trust around them, kissing feels unnatural for me and when it comes to other things, initiating touch or stroking someone else also feels odd to me. At the same time, I do have a sex drive, it's just not very high. So, I think it's likely that you're an asexual but that your dislike for being touched is rooted on your AD.

[Soundwave]

Okay, thanks for all that. It makes it a lot clearer- I'm not just a lone freak-type, then.

But it does raise the issue that it's isn't widely recognised; if someone ever wants to date me, how do I let them understand without sounding rude or like a weirdo? Or like I'm just lying or in denial? Quite a few people who don't understand this sort of thing call me a lesbian because I don't like men, but I'm not. I don't like women either. Should I bother to explain or just give up?

Yeah, lots of questions. Sorry. >__>;

[ParaLLL]

I believe the philosophy here is that if they're not willing to listen to you, they're not worth bothering with. So far when I've tried explaining (mostly to friends, but still), everyone's listened. It's generally taken a lot of explaining, I think the longest conversation was a few months before my friend figured out what I meant (and that evolution doesn't prove asexuality is impossible), but they have all listened. There's also AVEN's information, and I know Wikipedia has a pretty large page; I'm sure there are other places you could find that refer to or explain it. So it is recognized, and you'll probably be able to find plenty of references to show to people, it's just never talked about.

[kahara]

I've recently a friend who says she hates herself for being bisexual, in fact, she was my girlfriend at once. (I tend to stay friends with ex's who are worth it). She told me she's going to attempt becoming heterosexual because she hates being bisexual, hates being attracted to women. I asked her why, she told me because it 'offends her boyfriend' and that 'her family will reject her'. I find that so .. disgusting. That her boyfriend and family would be so unacceptable, and that she hates herself and would attempt to 'change'. It's also hurtful to me because I dated her at once. xP

Recently I've encountered a lot of friends who get into relationships of same sex, saying they are bisexual, but end up realizing they weren't and someone ends up hurt. That infuriates me to no end. / sigh

I find myself more comfortable with guys sexually, but more romantically comfortable with women.

.. Does anyone know if that's normal? ^

[TxCat]

women. I asked her why, she told me because it 'offends her boyfriend' and that 'her family will reject her'. I find that so .. disgusting.

It's disturbing that people feel the need to do so, but I can understand how it happens. In retrospect, as an educated adult, I can see from my earliest years that I was a lesbian. My first crush was on a female PE teacher and all subsequent crushes were on females. I recognized at the time only that I didn't want a mother figure from them but something else, a friendship level that I also knew was not appropriate but I thought it was because of the age differences. I can remember trying to mimic my friends with crushes on guys but that never worked out; I wanted to be a mother to them or a nurturing figure but I didn't want to do anything else with them! At their best, they scared me; at their worst, they repulsed me.

In my mid-twenties after my first marriage fell apart I tentatively identified it as bisexuality...and when I figured that out, I literally nearly killed myself. I was so certain it would be unacceptable to my family and friends that I stifled that too. It didn't help that the next person I fell in love with was a young MtF transgender who had barely begun the process (s/he was experimenting with feminine clothing and hairstyles and make-up but hadn't done anything else about it).

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to preserve yourself. I was given a choice --- make hir dress like the apparent male s/he was or move out. It ended in a screaming match with me stomping around and yelling at my family that I was gay. I packed all my things at 10 in the evening and left. I've never lived at home again and it took almost three years for them to accept things as they are. By 'accept' I really mean 'don't ask, don't tell'. They can see I'm with more than one person and that I prefer females; we saw no reason to tell them that my husband also prefers crossdressing at times, that Dee is bisexual and has been known to wear women's clothing, and that my primary sexual partner is female.

I just got tired of being something I wasn't and I do, at times, still get tired of this willful ignorance. We're not hurting anyone and we're all consenting adults. We're happy as a family so I guess I don't see the problem.

Recently I've encountered a lot of friends who get into relationships of same sex, saying they are bisexual, but end up realizing they weren't and someone ends up hurt. That infuriates me to no end.

That's rather common, both because the realization that you're not what you thought you were can be staggering and because society in general --- at least here in the US --- isn't all that accepting either. Many of the ones I have known who did so really didn't know they weren't bisexual until they got into a serious relationship and realized it didn't feel right for some reason. Quite a few weren't able to pinpoint why until years later. I'm in my 40s and have only within the last year recognized that it's not intercourse I don't like, it's intercourse with males I don't like.

.. Does anyone know if that's normal?

I'd say that if it doesn't interfere with your daily functioning or your ability to form relationships in general, it's just one more facet of the human sexuality spectrum and therefore normal. The singular exception being my girlfriend/co-wife, I don't seem well able to form friendships with females. We simply don't share much in common. My best friends have always been males and in my experience, my male friends are more romantic. It's the girls, when I get to know them, who are more aggressive sexually and that is just a big turn-off for me.

The guys, on the other hand, if they start wanting sexual intimacy scare me really quick. I can admire the various aspects of male sexuality --- all body types, all endowments --- but it's an artistic admiration. I don't WANT to have sex with them, no desire whatsoever. There are, however, quite a few whom I would love to have advise me on my wardrobe, go shopping with, or even sit down to dinner and a romantic movie with.

[kahara]

women. I asked her why, she told me because it 'offends her boyfriend' and that 'her family will reject her'. I find that so .. disgusting.

It's disturbing that people feel the need to do so, but I can understand how it happens. In retrospect, as an educated adult, I can see from my earliest years that I was a lesbian. My first crush was on a female PE teacher and all subsequent crushes were on females. I recognized at the time only that I didn't want a mother figure from them but something else, a friendship level that I also knew was not appropriate but I thought it was because of the age differences. I can remember trying to mimic my friends with crushes on guys but that never worked out; I wanted to be a mother to them or a nurturing figure but I didn't want to do anything else with them! At their best, they scared me; at their worst, they repulsed me.

In my mid-twenties after my first marriage fell apart I tentatively identified it as bisexuality...and when I figured that out, I literally nearly killed myself. I was so certain it would be unacceptable to my family and friends that I stifled that too. It didn't help that the next person I fell in love with was a young MtF transgender who had barely begun the process (s/he was experimenting with feminine clothing and hairstyles and make-up but hadn't done anything else about it).

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to preserve yourself. I was given a choice --- make hir dress like the apparent male s/he was or move out. It ended in a screaming match with me stomping around and yelling at my family that I was gay. I packed all my things at 10 in the evening and left. I've never lived at home again and it took almost three years for them to accept things as they are. By 'accept' I really mean 'don't ask, don't tell'. They can see I'm with more than one person and that I prefer females; we saw no reason to tell them that my husband also prefers crossdressing at times, that Dee is bisexual and has been known to wear women's clothing, and that my primary sexual partner is female.

I just got tired of being something I wasn't and I do, at times, still get tired of this willful ignorance. We're not hurting anyone and we're all consenting adults. We're happy as a family so I guess I don't see the problem.

Recently I've encountered a lot of friends who get into relationships of same sex, saying they are bisexual, but end up realizing they weren't and someone ends up hurt. That infuriates me to no end.

That's rather common, both because the realization that you're not what you thought you were can be staggering and because society in general --- at least here in the US --- isn't all that accepting either. Many of the ones I have known who did so really didn't know they weren't bisexual until they got into a serious relationship and realized it didn't feel right for some reason. Quite a few weren't able to pinpoint why until years later. I'm in my 40s and have only within the last year recognized that it's not intercourse I don't like, it's intercourse with males I don't like.

.. Does anyone know if that's normal?

I'd say that if it doesn't interfere with your daily functioning or your ability to form relationships in general, it's just one more facet of the human sexuality spectrum and therefore normal. The singular exception being my girlfriend/co-wife, I don't seem well able to form friendships with females. We simply don't share much in common. My best friends have always been males and in my experience, my male friends are more romantic. It's the girls, when I get to know them, who are more aggressive sexually and that is just a big turn-off for me.

The guys, on the other hand, if they start wanting sexual intimacy scare me really quick. I can admire the various aspects of male sexuality --- all body types, all endowments --- but it's an artistic admiration. I don't WANT to have sex with them, no desire whatsoever. There are, however, quite a few whom I would love to have advise me on my wardrobe, go shopping with, or even sit down to dinner and a romantic movie with.

/ nods. Yeah, I can understand that I suppose.. but still.. it's just so.. annoying, how ignorant some people can be. v_v

& Yeah, / US born & Raised 8U That and those who do it as a 'fad' sort of thing.. being bisexual isn't a fad. I hate it when anyone thinks it's a fad.

And lastly, yes, I suppose that is true. Kind of gives me comfort, in a way. ~ All of my best, closest of friends are guys as well. Not sure why I get along so well with guys rather than girls.. o:

[SaxonDarkAngel]

I consider myself bisexual. About a 4 on the Kinsey Scale.
I am a 16 y/o male. I have known I am bisexual since I was.... 12 I believe. Nothings changed (except the number on the scale. I started at about a 2). It most certainly is not a fad.

My best friends have always been males

I believe that is some sort of indicator. My best friends have always been females. I dont get along with other males. And I dont seem to have the male competitiveness (except with my female friends) that is characteristic of heterosexual men.

About my openness. Well, I'm selectively open about it. I only tell people I know are okay with it, or wouldn't tell anyone else. I could (if prompted) tell someone exactly everyone I have told.
I try to drop a lot of hints. I act a different way every day, depending on how High/Low on the Kinsey scale I feel that day (yes, it tends to fluctuate every day). For example, one day I would act super straight and flirt with a ton of girls and the next day I would act fairly gay by talking about fashion and stuff like that.

A little question I have is; When did you become 'Totally open' about your sexuality (assuming the answerer is non-hetero)? Basically, when did you stop pretending you were straight?
As of right now, im planning on college. Whenever I change something about myself, the people I've known all my life make a big deal about the change and ask me to explain it and I'd rather not explain. I'd rather just go to college where I am brand new to most everyone and be like "Yep, im bisexual."

[GrowlingCupcake]

A little question I have is; When did you become 'Totally open' about your sexuality (assuming the answerer is non-hetero)? Basically, when did you stop pretending you were straight?
As of right now, im planning on college. Whenever I change something about myself, the people I've known all my life make a big deal about the change and ask me to explain it and I'd rather not explain. I'd rather just go to college where I am brand new to most everyone and be like "Yep, im bisexual."

I was about 18 or so when I figured out I was not straight (took me longer to figure out I was pansexual and not bisexual). After settling into it and discussing it with people I knew, I more or less came out to everyone but relatives/family. So about a month or so after at maximum. With relatives, only two of my cousins, my sister and my brother-in-law know. I'm not in your face about it so I doubt most people I interact with realise but I don't lie or ignore attractive women or whatever.

I am, however, not out in terms of people I worked with and stuff since people here would frown upon it quite drastically.

Whenever you feel comfortable seems to work but I do agree that it's neater to do it when you're going to a different environment/starting afresh. I kept changing aspects of my personality that way xD

[TxCat]

About my openness. Well, I'm selectively open about it. I only tell people I know are okay with it, or wouldn't tell anyone else.

Excepting the one outburst, I never found much reason to discuss it. We're also polyamorous, my family and I, so the emphasis is on communication and understanding rather than on the sex. That just seems to naturally fall into the relationship boundaries as we work them out. If you saw us out, you might assume we were siblings or that one of the boys was with my Dorie as her husband (I don't know why, but most people seem to assume I'm a spinster or have no relationship with the others). We're affectionate with one another but not inappropriately so. Mr. Shapeshifter will clasp Dee on the back or will gently massage his shoulders if he becomes tense (his job as a profiler doesn't leave him very comfortable in crowds or highly public situations). Dorie and I hug each other and I've been known to forget my manners once in a while and grab Mr. Shapeshifter's butt or Dee's ponytail. No one seems to think much about it, perhaps because we're not overtly sexual in public.

I think, for the most part, that people see what they feel most comfortable with unless the couple or group in question is doing something which would indicate otherwise. Even though I'm a lesbian, I really dislike seeing overt displays of affection (activities like open mouthed kissing and groping or loud sexual commentary).

I act a different way every day, depending on how High/Low on the Kinsey scale I feel that day (yes, it tends to fluctuate every day).

My attraction never varies --- as I said, I can admire the men but my attraction lies with women --- but my own perceptions do. Sometimes I feel terribly feminine and want to wear make-up, scents, hair accessories, feminine colors, and skirts. Other times I want to wear jeans and polos, leather belts, and my Stetson. Most of the time, my behavior falls somewhere in the middle: a little bit of scent, possibly painted nails but no make-up, and I'm very fastidious about my appearance no matter how I feel.

A little question I have is; When did you become 'Totally open' about your sexuality (assuming the answerer is non-hetero)? Basically, when did you stop pretending you were straight?

I can't honestly recall a point where that happened. I just, through the acceptance of my chosen family who have helped me explore my sexuality, gradually began accepting that how I felt was how I felt and that it wasn't anyone's business unless I intended to have a relationship with them. It's like my religion, a part of me and so much so that I cannot change it but not something I wear on my sleeve which is open for discussion with just anyone.

There's been some damage done; I am in the process of finding a GLBT friendly counselor so that I can attend to some of those self image and sexuality issues. Sometimes you just can't do it alone, and for me this is the only way back to a healthy evaluation of myself as a member of the GLBT community and, more importantly, humanity.


As of right now, im planning on college. Whenever I change something about myself, the people I've known all my life make a big deal about the change and ask me to explain it and I'd rather not explain. I'd rather just go to college where I am brand new to most everyone and be like "Yep, im bisexual."[/quote]